My Story—Part 1

I first learned about Seventh-day Adventists in my mid-twenties. I diligently read and completed Bible studies through the mail and learned about the Sabbath, tithing, clean and unclean meat, and many other things that I embraced as truth.

But the one area I was very weak in was having a relationship with Jesus Christ. I found an Adventist church and faithfully attended, but again, I did not know the Lord in a real personal way or of His power to help me conquer my fear and sin. I would pray in my bedroom, but I struggled. Inside I was locked in fear, doubt, low self-esteem, and a host of other sins. Eventually a day came, while struggling again in prayer, that I just gave up and accepted the thought that God could not save me. That belief put me into the darkest, scariest pit of my life. I thought I was in bad shape before, but this was an unbearable mental torture.

I was filled with fear because I had lost hope.

The consuming fear, with no relief in sight, filled me with self-hatred. It is unbelievable, but God extended only love and mercy toward me.

My hatred was real. I felt it enter my arms like an electrical current. Like a fish caught in a net or a bird trapped in a snare, I, too, was caught.

Although my mind and heart were alienated from God, the one thought that penetrated my faculties was that I had nowhere else to go for help but to the church. The pastor knew of my intense battle and prayed for me.

At this point I could not talk. His prayers were unable to break through my darkness, and realizing he could do no more, he phoned a great woman of prayer. She came to the pastor’s home and tried to communicate with me, but my mouth was shut. As she prayed she spoke a message of hope from the Lord: “Yes, she loves Me; she just doesn’t know it yet.” She invited me for counseling, and at our first session she remarked on how I was able to respond and talk. She prayed and asked God to show me something.

It took just a moment, but I saw in my mind’s eye a rushing, gushing stream of pure white water. God was penetrating the dark, the fear, and the hatred with His love. He had not given up on me!

Rosemarie Clardy