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Verse:“When you pass through the waters , I will be with you ; and through the rivers , they shall not overwhelm you ; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned , and the flame shall not consume you . ” — Isaiah 43: 2 , ESV
My father passed away when I was thirteen years old. At the time, I turned my emotions off , without knowing how to turn them on again . I didn’t shed a single tear . I didn’t know it at the time , but , of course , I was depressed . I slept through an entire year , hardly eating or speaking . My grades suffered tremendously, but , by the grace of God , I made it into and out of high school . Looking back now , I figure it was simply the only way I could cope . I was in so much pain that I closed myself off in order to avoid being hurt again . I shut everyone out .
In the years that followed , there were times when all I wanted to do was cry , but the tears wouldn’t come . I felt so much guilt for not feeling the sadness that my mother and sister felt .
The summer before my first year of university , I got back down on my knees for the first time in years . It felt wrong . It didn’t feel like anyone was listening , but I burst into uncontrollable sobs that went on for hours . That night I realized I wasn’t sad . I was angry . I was angry at God . He was the only one who could have answered my prayers and kept my family intact .
That same night I prayed for forgiveness . I asked for help with all the anger and bitterness I had bottled up for years . I asked that God would continue to be there for me throughout my years in university . Only He could open every door that I believed was closed and allow me to attend a university where I could not only receive an education but also strengthen my relationship with Christ . He is the only one who fully understood my father’s suffering through his illness , his inner thoughts , and his spiritual life . He knew when the time was right for my father to close his eyes and go to sleep .
God is the one who will reunite my family once again in heaven . He was by my side every step of the way , waiting patiently for me to open up and allow the healing process to begin . He stayed by my side as I wandered away during my first year of university , and He will stay by my side as I continue my schooling and spiritual journey .
Aiyana Duran