Me, Myself, and Why

I have a secret. The person you see in front of you isn’t me. I designed that person to fit your expectations —the things I hope you like.

Do you want someone who is selfless, compassionate, and smart? Boom. I’ll drop everything to help you, I’ll give you an encouraging word, and I’ll agree with you on politics. I didn’t deceive just you. I thought I was selfless, compassionate, and smart too. But the Real Me only recently came out of hiding.

I don’t know when I began hiding her.

I just kept editing my shell —the person I allowed people to see.

The Real Me was unchanged. She simply crawled deeper and deeper away from my consciousness. She hoarded every insecurity, fear, and frustration that I shoved down into her hidey-hole. The pain and heartache inflicted by family and friends festered within her for years. She’s ugly and malnourished now because I refused to confront my problems and face my insecurities. On the outside, I look good. I wash the outside of my cup. But the inside remains dirty. So what do I do now? Well, I must take responsibility and undo the damage I’ve inflicted on myself. I must stop secretly blaming other people for my pain and resentment. My name may mean “bitterness” (Ruth 1:20), but I don’t have to embody that. I can create clear boundaries for myself so that I can grow the Real Me. No one asked me to be a people pleaser. It isn’t fair to anyone that I am one. Worst of all, I’m confronting every insecurity and fear I’ve buried over the years. They number in the thousands. Most of them are unfounded.

Others I need to work through.

A few I need to communicate to the people who have “inspired” them. God knows my insecurities. He understands why I have them, why I’ve hidden them, and why it hurts to look at them. God knows how angry and disappointed I am with myself. He fully knows every part of me. And God fully loves me.

That means He wants to help all of me grow.

Maria Kercher