My Defender

Who is Jesus to you? When I was in high school, I would have told you, “Jesus is my Father.” You see, I had lost my father, and so God became a father to me. It was a very personal experience —a tender, gentle relationship that got me through some important seasons of life. But over the years, life happens.

And if we aren’t careful, we can start answering this question with pat answers that are entirely true but have no personal meaning.

That’s where I have been for a while, which is a hard place because it leaves the core of your soul empty and unprotected. It allows hurt, guilt, and shame to flourish; it did for me. Shame has a way of controlling and telling us we aren’t valuable. It says we are not worthy of love, wholeness, or even a relationship with God.

Recently, as I was thinking about shame, I saw myself as a little preteen girl, sitting along a chain-link fence, huddled with my arms wrapped around my knees and my head down. Standing next to me was a strong being whom I presumed to be God. In his hand, he had a long whip made from a material that could cause at least moderate pain. That whip lashed out at me time and again. With each blow, my shame and guilt intensified. I felt scared and trapped. Tension filled me as I waited for each successive blow. I wondered why this scenario had come into my mind, although it certainly portrayed what I was feeling. At that moment —when I was scared, alone, and beaten down— Jesus stepped onto the scene. Beaming with love and beauty, He held out one hand, put it on the side of my accuser, and effortlessly pushed him away.

“Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children” (Luke 18:16, NLT).

At that moment, I saw the being whom I had presumed to be God become powerless and run away. It had been Satan masquerading as God.

But Jesus stepped in and delivered me, though undeserving. At that moment, I felt sudden relief. Peace. Safety. Rest. Deliverance by His power, word, love, and decision. And He will step in and rescue you too. Your circumstances might not change. But your confidence in God’s love, grace, and acceptance can.

Who is Jesus to me? Once again, the answer has become personal. Jesus is my Defender. Who is Jesus to you?

Jennifer Haagenson