He Leadeth Me Part 1

I stood at my husband’s bedside with my arm across his chest.

He was unconscious. He was dying.

I felt the steady up and down of his breathing.

Then I didn’t. I knew then that our fifty-year love relationship as husband and wife on this earth had ended. Why now, Lord? Where are You? I’m not ready for this! How can I live without him? He did everything for me. I was numb.

I couldn’t cry for six months! When the tears did come, it felt like a boxing glove repeatedly knocking me down. I started to cry, often loudly, for long periods of time every day. After a while, my sons said, “Mom, Daddy wouldn’t want you to do this.” I heard them and thought, No, and neither would God. But I couldn’t stop on my own. I was down and out, and I didn’t think I’d be able to live my life anymore.

How could I when I was so weak and helpless, alone, and brokenhearted? I turned to my Bible. God led me to Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (NIV).

In my weakened state of mind, God spoke to me. I realized that Christ subjected Himself to humanity for me and you (Hebrews 2:17).

And because He did, He was actually able to feel my heavy heart, grief, and intense suffering. He knew what I was experiencing. That’s why He could be so compassionate and sympathetic. He had walked this path before me.

I cried out to the Lord, asking for comfort and healing.

I knew He would hear my desperate plea.

My husband had once told me that I had more faith than anyone he ever knew. Now I remembered his words and reached inside to tap that faith.

As I drew upon it, I felt Jesus personally with me, wiping away my tears and wrapping me securely in His arms. I knew my tears were precious to Him (Psalm 56:8). I knew He was comforting me (Isaiah 66:13). My pain eased.

I wiped my tears, blew my nose, and began to function again little by little. I am still in need of comfort —some days more than others.

Yet I’m so relieved to know that our Jesus understands how difficult my walk and your walk are. I know He will help us manage the losses and perplexities of this life because of this assurance which He gives us: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, NKJV).

Mary Lou Buoymaster