Why I Stayed and Why I Left For

I think most girls dream of their wedding day and being married. We play house, and we have crushes on the neighbor boy.

I was married for eighteen years to a man I met at the gym. It was a rebound relationship. During our courtship, I knew there was something not quite right about the relationship, but we both stayed out of fear. He proposed to me after I broke up with him. He was afraid of losing me, and I felt I needed to reward him for buying me a ring. Months later, we got pregnant. I did not want to embarrass my mother or church family any further because my unmarried sister was also pregnant.

When my boyfriend refused to zero in on a wedding date, I realized the ring was just a token to hush me. I gave him an ultimatum: get married at the courthouse before the baby was born or else. He reluctantly agreed, and we did get married. Then he rebelled! He cheated; I cheated to get revenge.

But we both stayed out of fear. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of being a divorcée and a single mother with our now four children. But there was something inside of me that wanted something better. I held on to the dream of being loved in a healthy way. I was tired of the cheating, disrespect, criticism, arguing, fighting, facade, and pretending in front of the children. I was tired of the silent treatments, the cold side of the bed (as he slept on the couch), and going to church alone.

I wanted something real and deep. The emotional pain of being married only on paper took its toll. After the last time he cheated on me, I filed for divorce. Miraculously, I was able to file for free when years before I had been denied.

It was all about God’s timing. God was with me every step of the way. He sent people in my path to soothe me, exhort me, encourage me, and comfort me. I am grateful for the people He placed in my life. I never expected to be a divorced and single mom in my forties. It has not been an easy road, especially for my ten-year-old, who misses his dad very much. Yet it seems like God brought me back to my teenage years, teaching me how to wait with expectancy on my new chapter with the eyes of faith. I no longer live in fear. Fear kept me in my own cage for years.

I am now at peace and content, living in the freedom of God’s salvation and hope.

Raschelle Mclean-Jones